Romantic Valentine's Day Ideas For You and The Most Important Person In Your Life, Who Is Also Y
- Sara Baron Goodman
- Feb 13, 2017
- 3 min read
Ah mid-February, that magical time of year when your seasonal affectiveness disorder is at an all-time high because you haven’t seen the sun in three months, you probably have scurvy because no good fruits are in season, and greeting card companies the world over are in cahoots to kick you while you’re down by shoving their heteronormative, patriarchal, marriage-plot bullshit holiday down your throats. But we’re not bitter, wherever would you get that idea? Nay, here at The Indifferent Times we know the importance of treatin’ yo’self every day but specifically on Valentine’s Day—after all, who loves you better than yourself? (Your mom, maybe, but this isn’t about her). And why shouldn’t you enjoy overpriced set menus and heart-shaped chocolates just because you don’t “technically” have a date?
1. Cook a romantic dinner for two, and then eat both of them
Food is the international language of love so be sure to pull out all the stops to make this the most romantic dinner ever! You’ll want to set a nice table, laden with candles and silverware for every course. To really set the mood, consider an aphrodisiac-rich menu that will fill that gaping hole in your heart where a significant other should be: oysters to start, arugula and fig salad, anything braised in wine will do as the main (you’re so naughty!), and of course round it off with dark molten chocolate fondue and strawberries. As you reach across the table to flirtily feed yourself truffles and champagne, you’ll be lulled into a sense of contentment brought on by the most potent of food comas. Bon nap-etit!
2. Watch a saucy film to get yourself in the mood for love, with yourself
Nothin’ like a nice bottle of wine and softcore erotica disguised as an “art film” to get you in the mood for love. Take your Netflix and chilling to the next level by teasing yourself to make it through a whole feature film without makin’ a move (on yourself). For the hardcore, I recommend Romance, which is really sure to get you feeling steamy, bringing it on riiiight till the end when (SPOILER ALERT!) there is a vaginal birth scene so vivid that as you hold back vomit and frantically check your birth control packet to make sure you haven’t missed any this month, you’ll be glad that the only person you’re getting handsy with tonight is yourself. Or you could watch 50 Shades of Grey and hate-fuck yourself ‘till you’re lying on the floor in a pool of your own tears, your call.
3. Stay in bed and cuddle with your bae, who is you
What’s more romantic than just cuddling up with the one you love and spending all day in the blissful sex haze of your bed? Sprinkle some rose petals on your duvet, wear your most coquettish pyjamas, and spoon the hot water bottle you bought to trick yourself into thinking there was another person in your bed, emitting body heat as real live people so often do. For an even more romantic idea, try hugging a pillow tightly between your thighs...just be sure to use protection, you old so-and-so!
4. Put a ring on it to show that special someone, who is you, how much you care
Beyonce famously said that if you like it, then you should put a ring on it. And neither you nor I are in a place to disregard the advice of Queen Bey. Assuage your worries and show yourself that you do in fact like it (and by it we mean you), by buying yourself a ring and putting it on (we assume your finger, but we suppose you could get any type of ring really—ear, nipple, cock, UFC, crime...we don’t know—Bey was a little vague with the instructions).
5. Send yourself flowers, and then post about it on social media
As goes the age old adage, if you receive flowers from a lover, (which in this case is of course yourself) and you don’t post it on Facebook and Instagram and maybe Twitter, did you even receive flowers at all? Best not to test it, and just post that ‘gram to be sure. Show your 400-odd followers how caring and thoughtful you are and how awwww you totally remembered that purple calla lilies were your favourite! You’re so attentive like that. #blessed.
No matter how you choose to spend this Valentine’s Day, the most important thing is to show the most important person in your life [you], that you love them [you], in a way that adheres to the contrived codes for romance as dictated by Hallmark and Hollywood, and you surely won’t be disappointed!