How to Live Your Life Like You're Paris Geller
- Sara Baron Goodman
- Jan 8, 2017
- 3 min read
Ah January, the time when everybody becomes just a little bit more insufferable than they were last calendar year, in the name of self-betterment, or whatever. Fuck trying fruitlessly to change my bad eating habits or buy a gym membership that will go un-used for the next 11 months of the year. Still, I have vowed that 2017 is the year of Gettin'-Shit-Done-Sara, and because I’m generally a weak-willed little swine, I have decided to enlist the guidance of our Most Revered Lady of A-Types Everywhere, her Majesty, Paris Eustace Geller. Sure, Rory Gilmore had the perfect hair and the perfect grades, and all the boys in her yard, but look how she turned out. I think we can all agree that Paris is the real heroine of Gilmore Girls, and of our lives. So, without further ado, here are some steps on how to live your life in a way so that you can read an in-depth biography of yourself in later years and not puke:
1. Consult a Life Coach
I will not be paying for the services of a Terrence in part because I’m broke, and in part because he kind of always freaked me out. Paris herself will instead be my life coach, my ubermensch, the golden standard to which I will strive to reach. From now on, in any given situation, I will ask myself WWPD (What Would Paris Do), and then I will do that thing, and inevitably I think it will lead to a life of success and pantsuits.
2. Sext with Fervour and Determination
Queen P approaches her sex life in much the same way she does everything else—with resolve and conviction. There is no reason why you can’t single-handedly run a daily newspaper while simultaneously engaging in an erotic text exchange, without sacrificing the quality of either. We’re not sure what Paris and Doyle were saying that made Rory blush like a soccer mom caught buying the new copy of 50 Shades of Gray, but we’re confident that a wordsmith like Paris knows how to craft a sext (then again, it’s Rory, so the thought of sex being anything other than missionary was probably revelatory enough).
3. Make Time for Artistic Endeavours
Paris knows that there’s nothing more cathartic than working with your hands and unleashing a little bit of that pent up…creativity. If you’re low on space for all that macaroni, hot glue, and glitter, just convert your dining table to your craft corner/ artists' studio—let’s not kid ourselves, you eat your frozen dinners on the couch every night anyways. Your housemates definitely won’t mind when they see all the beautiful and utilitarian tea cosies and paper snowflakes that everyone can enjoy.
4. Insult With Creativity and Flair
You’re a bright, educated young person who has put down more than a few 300-pointers in Scrabble. Why should you restrict yourself to slinging slurs that mere plebeians would use? Shakespeare didn’t, and Paris didn’t, and you shouldn’t either. Let’s say you’re at work and a customer asks you a stupid question, instead of answering with a fake smile and muttering “what an idiot” to your coworker, why not try telling them to tie their tubes? Stuck in a boring small-talk situation? Instead of feigning interest and nodding along until you die of boredom, try stimulating some more honest conversation by asking them if the last time they had an interesting thought was when they considered flinging themselves off a building? People will love and appreciate your directness and honesty!
5. Don’t Be Afraid to Make Enemies
Approach life much as you would approach being a contestant on The Bachelor—you’re here to win, not here to make friends. As Her Maj PG once said, no man is an island but this woman is. Other people are a plague upon your existence; fraternize only with those worthy of your time and attention. Would Paris let herself be ghosted? NO. Would Paris waste her time talking to drunk morons in fear of being rude? NO. Would Paris let some nobody cut in front of her in the all-you-can-eat buffet queue, just because they had children with them or something? NO, NO, NO.
6. Take Any Opportunity to Smash the Patriarchy
Just a few important life lessons from Her Most Wise One: Don’t risk your life wearing a camisole to bed, just to pander to the male gaze—guess what, if somebody’s there to see it, you’ve already got what you wanted. Call out all sexist, white-haired so-and-sos who dare cross you or reduce you to a stereotype. Slam the door in the face of all fuckboys who have wronged you and yours, and let them know that they offer nothing to women or the world in general. And then eat lots and lots of Chinese food.
