Things That Might Upset Jonathan Chait (And Other Fragile Personalities)
- Sara Baron Goodman
- Jan 17, 2017
- 3 min read
New York Magazine writer Jonathan Chait took to the Twittersphere this week to cry about feeling left out by the gendered title of next week’s Women’s March on Washington.
As is clear to pretty much everybody, (except, evidently, Chait) the march, which is planned for the day after Trump’s inauguration, is open for anybody to attend who wishes to stand up and protest the upcoming Trumpocalypse. The reason it carries the moniker of Women is that, quite simply, the march was organized by women, will be led by women, and was largely inspired by the president-elect’s less than savoury platforms in regards to women’s issues.
But, as we all know, masculinity is a fragile flower that must be handled with the utmost sensitivity and care. All too often, men like Chait are relegated to the sidelines, unable to participate in certain things because they are not labelled expressly “For Men”. Of course, a man shouldn’t be expected to have to use a product that is ambiguous about its intended gender, lest their testosterone levels plummet to oblivion and they start wearing pink unironically. Here are some other things that Chait-minded people should avoid at all costs:
1. The Black Lives Matter movement and any associated events
How is a white person like Chait supposed to know that they are welcome to be an ally for black people’s rights, the constant struggle against systemic racism, and protest the police brutality that afflicts the black population in disproportionate amounts to any other ethnicity or race, if the name of the movement discludes them? They should change it to something more inclusive, like All Lives Matter...just a suggestion.
2. Yorkie’s chocolate bars
Back in the day (until 2012), Yorkie’s chocolate bars helpfully advertised that they are “Not For Girls,” allowing for the sound of mind consumption of these snacks by Grown Men. Confusingly, Yorkie’s have rebranded themselves and now their wrapper simply says “Original,” leaving chocolate-loving men everywhere in a state of flux and uncertainty about whether or not it should still be considered safe to their Manhood to buy and eat a Yorkie bar.
3. Nail care kits
It’s common sense that only women’s nails need tending to, and that any tools expressly designed for nail care (ie clippers, files, cuticle trimmers, etc) are not man-friendly products, unless they specifically say so (which, disappointingly, so few of them do). To be on the safe side, it’s best to avoid any and all products with pastel-coloured packaging, cutesy prints, or that are sold in the makeup and nail polish aisle.
4.Feminism in general
Again, one only has to dissect the origins of the word “feminism” to understand that this is a solely female-concern. With the divisive use of the root word “fem” as in “female”, Chait-minded men would not be remiss in assuming that the agenda of feminism, aka the push for gender equality across all cultures, races, socioeconomic groups etc. is most definitely a fight they should avoid getting entangled in.
5. Baby wipes
The moist towelettes marketed as “Baby Wipes” should never be used by any person over the age of 3, when a human being is commonly thought to progress from the “baby” stage, to the “child” stage (and of course, using these wipes in later stages of life like “adolescence” or “adulthood” is progressively dire). Though these wipes can certainly be useful as face cleansers for those with sensitive skin, to wipe sticky hands after a meal, or remove makeup, one mustn’t give in to the temptation of convenience, in case they revert to being a baby themselves.
6. Just For Me hair products
This one verges on getting existential. The popular shampoos and hair care products designed with moisture-enriched formulas geared towards black children’s particular hair care needs, ambiguously say the products are “for me”. But who is “me”? Does anybody truly know who they are? Moreover, how is one supposed to figure out the intended target market of this product (which is clearly described on the bottle alongside the slogan), if we can’t even answer this poignant question?
7. The Paralympics
Chaits everywhere may be confused by the existence of the prestigious sporting event known as the Paralympic Games, which provides recognition for the world’s top disabled athletes. Some questions they may need answered: how can able-bodied people even enjoy watching the Games when they are so obviously discluding them? Why can’t an able-bodied person just assign themselves to a wheelchair and participate in the Games themselves? And lastly, why is there no equivalent competition geared specifically to able-bodied people? Oh wait….
If you know of any other items that may be triggering to Chait-minded people and that you feel should be included on this list, please contact us immediately.