7 Things You Can Say To Make People Think Your Love-Life Is More Exciting Than It Actually Is (Witho
- Hannah Markus
- Dec 29, 2016
- 3 min read
All these disgustingly happy people in relationships keep TALKING about them, and frankly I'm beginning to feel lacking when they then look at me expectantly for some juicy tidbits about my own love life and I'm coming up with absolutely fuck all. So I've come up with a few little phrases that can simultaneously satiate their curiosity and make you feel slightly more interesting without actually really lying. You're welcome.
1. “I had the most amazing sex [dream] last night!”
It’s happened to all of us. We’ve woken up feeling satified and grinning, wishing we could go back to sleep and relive the dream version of us shagging Milo Ventimiglia as he stares deeply into our eyes and tells us we’re the most beautiful human he’s ever seen. Who has to know it was a dream? After all, wasn’t it Dumbledore who said “Of course it’s happening inside your head. But why should that mean it’s not real?” And he was pretty fucking wise.
2. “Sorry, I can’t. I’m having a romantic dinner tonight.”
Cook yourself something sexy from the telly like spaghetti and meatballs or oysters and couscous, light a candle, and lick your fork seductively between each mouthful. Loving yourself is just as important as loving another.
3. “He’s given me a key to his flat already!”
Hot Ben from next door needs his plants watering while he goes on a climbing holiday in the Scottish Highlands. He’s asked you to do the honours, so technically he HAS given you a key to his flat.
4. “I think he might be The One."
You’ve been on four dates with Aaron from Tinder, three of which have culminated in disappointing sex, and after the fourth you pretended you had to go home with a headache, because you couldn’t really be bothered. He has a good job though, and maybe he IS The One, you just need to give it a chance, so you’ll go out with him again on Tuesday just in case.
5. “I’m not sure I have room for all of the birds in my life.”
You always pretended to love Great-Uncle George’s budgies when you went over, and unfortunately he took this for a genuine affection for avian pets, so when he passed away last month he left you all four in his will. You don’t really want them, and you’re pretty sure girls will find it super weird if you bring them home to four budgerigars, but in the mean time you can tell people that you’ve got a lot of chicks hanging around your place.
6. “I’ve got another UTI!”
You might have gotten it from holding your pee in for too long whilst you watched the entire Gilmore Girls re-boot back-to-back, but most people tend to assume you get UTIs from a long night of passionate love-making, so who are you to correct them?
7. If all else fails, use the Royal “We”.
You might be seen as one of those insufferable people who constantly refers to themselves and their significant other as a single unit, but when you tell people “We’re going to stay with my parents for a few days!” they’ll not only think the relationship is serious enough to warrant your partner meeting the parents, they ALSO won’t guess that you’re actually having to go home for some much needed TLC because your anxiety is acting up and you physically can’t do anything for yourself right now.