An Ode to My Menstrual Cup
- Sara Baron Goodman
- Dec 26, 2016
- 3 min read
“Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.”
- William Shakespeare, Sonnet 116.
Presumably when Shakespeare wrote these words, he was not talking about the particular love of a woman towards her menstrual cup, but he could just as well have been. True love, according to Bill and myself, is one that does not leave you when things get rough, one that sticks with you, protects you, and keeps you dry and warm even when the floodgates of your uterus open up in an aim to drown anybody within a two-mile radius in blood and endometrium lining. There are not many people who will stick by you under any and all circumstances, and there are even fewer feminine hygiene products.
Amid a red sea of despair, the menstrual cup will deliver you to land dry-shod (much like Moses did for the Jews). For the first ten years of my period-having life, I had relegated myself to the fact that once a month, my body would try to drown me in a pool of my own blood. Waking up on any of the first three mornings of any given period would look like something out of Carrie. Never mind coughing or sneezing, merely daring to stand up after being seated for longer than a half hour (ie: in a lecture, on my daily commute, just generally daring to be a living, waking person who does anything other than stand completely still), was enough to incur the wrath of the uterine gods who would sporadically inflict a plague of flooding upon my nether regions, painting red any pants, seats, or towns that stood in the way. To put it in real terms, I would consistently bleed through super jumbo tampons within two hours, to the point of leaking through several layers of clothes, which was a) uncomfortable b) impractical c) embarrassing and d) kind of gross.
But alas, what’s a girl to do? Grin, bear it, and don’t make any sudden movements was generally my tactic, until a good friend of mine (hey Michelle!) made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. She had tried the menstrual cup two months prior and swore by it, and said that if I tried it out and I didn’t like it after two periods of using it exclusively, she would refund me the 30$ that was my main deterrent for trying it out. So, I took the bet, and while it was tempting to say I didn’t like it just to swindle my friend out of some cash, I feel it is now my duty to spread the gospel of the menstrual cup to all my fellow period-having people out there. Behold, a poem:
O, Menstrual Cup
As you rest against my cervix
Full of blood,
You will not leak
You will not flood.
2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12 hours go by
And still I am comfy and dry.
O, Menstrual Cup,
I must say that I am #blessed
That no matter how long I leave you in,
I will not get TSS.
With love I look upon the contents of your silicone chalice,
Because I am a fighting, cramping, crying, bleeding Goddess.
In sum:
This thing is basically leak-proof. I will swear to any higher power that resonates with you that I have never leaked through it, even on my heaviest days after leaving it in for 8-10 hours, and sometimes up to 12 or 14.
It’s environmentally friendly—there are no toxins that will slowly kill you or the natural world around you.
Though the initial 30$ charge seems like a lot to spend on a non-sexy thing for your vagina, it’s actually much cheaper than having to buy tampons or pads every month, as this baby will last a good year until you need to replace it.
You won’t ever be in an awkward bathroom situation where you’re caught off guard and don’t have a tampon with you because a) if you suspect you may be about to get your period just pop it up there and wait and see, no harm no foul or b) just keep it in your purse and at the ready.
You can hold it up under the light of a full moon and cast some super potent spells with the blood within, or hold it up under the fluorescent lights of your bathroom and admire all the gunk and blood that comes out of you each month. You are a warrior, and these are the fruits of your labours.
PS. I have since made that same fateful bet with several of my other friends in the hopes of convincing them, and I’m happy to report a 100% success rate. References available upon request.